Sex Ed and How Not To Do It
by Fear-The-Spork
Summary: Being teamed with a sexy virginal vampire, a shapeshifter with a case of the giggles and a bear with a condom malfunction, could Bella's first Sex. Ed class in Forks be any more of a mind f**k? Short answer. Yes.


**Sex. Ed. How Not To Do It**

_Being teamed with a sexy virginal vampire, a shapeshifter with a case of the giggles and a bear with a condom malfunction, could Bella's first Sex. Ed class in Forks be any more of a mind fuck? Short answer. _

_Yes._

_PS. If you've read my other Twilight story, then the character Chloe from that, is also in this one too. I can't get enough of writing her. She cracks me up XD She's a vampire in this, in the Cullen clan, so it's a little OC. Okay, a LOT OC._

**Genre: **_Romance/Humor_

**Rating:** _M for language, implied smut and a little bit more smut than actually intended at first._

**Disclaimer: **_Yes, I own Twilight. In my mind. And in my white padded cell. Do you know how hard it is to type in a straight jacket?_

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

Having innocently set my alarm clock for seven thirty the night before and settled down into the cool embrace of my immortal boyfriends arms, I had no idea of the day from hell that was to follow.

I'd spent the night dreaming of a pleasant, if not a little steamy, encounter with Edward in our favourite meadow. These seemed to be more frequent of late, due to the unquashable innuendos that Emmett seemed to hurl my way whenever I was in his company. Stupid ass.

Edward was jittery in intimate situations _before _the taunting started, but now he seemed downright terrified. As I grew more and more frustarted with my need to get him into bed, I silently thanked God that he couldn't read my mind. I thought about it everywhere. The bathroom while I was brushing my teeth, the kitchen while I was getting my cereal, the biology room...

Oh my... the _Biology Room_. The room from my nightmares had become one of my deepest fantasies, never to be released upon civil society. Or my virginal vampire boyfriend.

I often wonder what would happen if I spoke my thoughts aloud. Society would probably crumble endlessly into an ever-circling spiral of doom-

You see what I mean right?

Anyway, Edward had gone when I woke up, which is never a good way to start the day. I walked into the doorframe on my way to the bathroom, and after fumbling with my toothbrush to stop it from falling to the floor, I managed to send it flying into the toilet. Thank God for spares. My shower was cold and I ran out of my favourite shampoo.

I prayed that things would get better as I reached the kitchen.

The milk was out of date, my truck wouldn't start and when it did, nearly gave me heart failure. Someone cut me off, then flipped me the bird, there were no spaces near Edward and I was late for my first class. My life is so damn wonderful.

I must have killed someone in a past life, because something was out to bite my ass today, and it wasn't a vampire.

Mrs. Elani gave me a somewhat condescending look when I rushed through the door of her classroom, and I smiled sheepishly. Chloe winked at me as I sat down and Mrs. Stick Up Her Ass turned back to the board.

She was still grinning at me halfway through note taking and I gave her a _'what the hell?' _kind of look. Her answer was to throw a ball of paper at me and wink again. I unfurled the note and was left hanging, as all she'd bothered to write was-

_"You'll see. Believe me Bella, you'll see..."_

When Chloe had joined the Cullen Clan for Vegetarian Vampires or CCVV as it was now officially known thanks to a rather original Emmett, we'd become fast friends, inspite of her natural instinct to kill and eat me. She was a gifted vampire too, but this was one gift that left Carlisle and the wolves at the reservation stumped.

She could shapeshift.

Something that turned out to be handy in a fight. The wolves had heard of a new vampire arriving at the Cullen's and had resolved to check the new arrival out, much to the annoyance of Edward. The foundation of the new friendship between the two enemies was fragile but the wolves would not have it destroyed because of a newbie making a mistake.

As those exact words spilled from Jacob's mouth, Chloe had growled at him and _'poof'!_

Instant wolf.

To say they had been shocked would be an understatement, but hey, it kept the peace and improved communications between the two.

And when Carlisle had turned a dying young homeless man named Robin, the two had hit it off instantly and the CCVV was now complete once more. He didn't say a lot, and in a way he reminded me of Jasper in personality, but he was completely different when it came to physical features. Of course Robin couldn't come to Forks High yet. He still had some slip ups now and again, most of which mainly involved Emmett not keeping an eye on him when they were out hunting. He hadn't killed anyone, but he'd been pretty damn close.

Thanks to my musings I hadn't a clue what the answer to Mrs. Shoot Me The Fuck Now's question, and earned myself a report on Stalin in Russia and why he was a paranoid bastard. Not that I'm actually going to write those words...

I was left fuming at the end of class as Chloe zoomed out of the door before I could ask her anything.

Edward was my saving grace as I sloped out of the room in a sulk. He jumped me from behind and pressed his cool face into my neck. The melting feeling that spread through my limbs reminded me somewhat of morphine, only better. Morphine certainly didn't tug on your ear lobe with it's teeth.

I jumped slightly and let out a disturbingly girlish laugh before he turned me around to press his nose against mine.

"Why were you late this morning? I didn't get to say hello..." he bumped his forhead on mine lightly and I smiled up at him.

"My truck wouldn't start. Throw in the ninety- five thousand other problems that started with you not being there, and you're somewhere around where I was when I woke up this morning..." My smile turned into a frown as I remembered my somewhat crap-tastic day so far.

"My poor beautiful Bella," he bent to nuzzle my neck again and I had to stop a little moan escaping. Nuzzling made the world go 'round in my opinion.

"Chloe kept giving me this really weird look in class. Like she knows something I don't... Do you happen to know what the hell our resident VampireWolf is plotting?" my tone dripped suspicion, but only because he'd become very quite after my little speech.

"Uh, no... I don't know what she's on..." he coughed out and I stared at him in mild disbelief. Where was my usually coherent and suave boyfriend? And since when did he say things like that? I didn't get the chance to ask and Jessica Stanley walked past us and giggled, sending me a '_get in there' _wink.

"I uh, have to.... um.... bye," Edward stammered out, before placing a chaste kiss on my lips and dashing away.

Sometimes, I think being stoned or drunk would make my world seem _normal._

I sat facing Chloe at lunch, quietly glaring at her and willing her to stop laughing into her plate of untouched food and look up. No-one else could seem to look me in the eye either. Not even Rosalie who'd warmed to me slightly over the past few months. I narrowed my gaze at them again and Alice coughed loudly into her food. Edward growled softly beside me and the ripples across his chest made me sigh warmly.

Chloe began shaking in an attempt to hold in the laughter, but when Jessica walked past and winked at me again, she exploded into uncontrolled and unladylike peals of giggles, followed my Alice, and then Emmetts hearty guffaws. In a way he reminded me of Ed the hyena, from The Lion King.

My head snapped to Edward who was avoiding my gaze and I finally threw my napkin on the table a raised my hands in defeat.

"Fine! I give up! Keep your damn secrets. I'll find out... Believe me..." I tried to sound as menacing as I could when scolding a group of vampires, but Alice only laughed harder and Emmett was dangerously close to sliding from his seat and under the table.

Hell, even Rosalie and Jasper cracked a little chuckle at my 'grr' face.

Edward let out another growl, louder this time, but Chloe was the only one to try and straighten herself out. "Sorry Bella, but we just can't believe that Edward hasn't told you yet..." She promptly fell apart again, and left all seriousness behind as she whirled off into laughter again.

I turned to Edward with a serious expression and a raised eyebrow. His eyes were wide and his lips were pursed, before the words came tumbling out above the noise of the others. "Wehavesexedclasstoday..."

"For human ears please?" I understood nothing of the gobbledygook that spilled from his ever perfect lips.

"We have Sex. Ed class today... Next two periods..." he trailed off at my bemused and slightly disappointed look.

I turned to see everyone looking at me expectantly and Emmett holding up his camera phone. I flipped him off before giving them all 'duh' looks.

"I kind of already knew that guys. I've known since the announcement last week? In registration?" They looked at me like I'd told them my hand was in Edward's pants under the table. "Is that seriously all it was? Epic fail. I'm not deaf you know. I'm also not scared of Sex Education. Your schemes have gotten lame Chloe. Are you losing your edge?"

I snorted at them and smiled sweetly at Chloe, before giving Edward a confident wink. He grinned at me, before flashing a shit-eating smirk at the others.

"Well that was unexpected..." Chloe looked discouraged and disappointed, while Emmett threw his phone down, narrowly missing his uneaten pizza.

"No shit Shirlock. Where's the open jaw? Where's the freaking out? Where's terrified hyperventilating Bella?" he sulked. Chloe looked thoughtful for a moment, before flashing her teeth in a smile.

"Pick up your phone Emmett and get ready for shocked Bella... and Edward..." I felt him stiffen beside me. His amber eyes narrowed and he hissed out a low angry, and somewhat pleading threat.

"Don't. You. _Dare...._"

But Chloe blurted the words out before Edward could stop her. "Edward has been on edge today because Jessica Stanley thinks you two have been going at it like bunnies in between classes, and she's thinking about sending you a 'Congratulations' card..."

My mouth dropped open, as did Edwards.

He growled soemthing that sounded like bollocks, at my side, but I was in a whole other place that involved Edward and I, and a Biology table. Somewhere in the haze of my mind, which was filled with 'Oh Fucks' and 'She should send me a fucking fruit basket for bagging this guy', I saw the momentry flash of Emmett's phone.

Well fuck me to Friday.

**A/N: Oh yes, I went there. I know there are loads of Sex. Ed fics out there, but I really wanted to do one, so here it is. There will be more chapters with the actual class, and perhaps some smut... perhaps...**

**So, funny? Stupid? Boring as fuck? Tell all my dears in a pretty little review. Thanks a bunch for reading ^^**


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